Addicted to Food

I'm sitting here watching this new show on OWN, Addicted to Food.  This first episode deals with emotions and why people eat, don't eat, purge, or whatever.  Of course, this got me thinking about why I overeat and continue to do so.

Please don't get me wrong - I love my family (most of them....lol) and I was given every opportunity to do whatever I wanted growing up.  My parents did the best they knew how and I don't know where I'd be today without the support I had and continue to have.  But doesn't every person think their family is somewhat dysfunctional?

I have been overweight since I was 4 or 5.  I can remember my kindergarten boyfriend asking my neighbor "who the little fat girl is."  (I guess he liked it....funny how things change, now he's married to a beautiful hot chick!)  When you are little, things like emotions don't register like they do now.  I've often wondered why people have to own up to having emotional problems rather than just admitting they like food and like to eat it.  Simple, isn't it?  I'm fat because I love food.  Duh.  Winning!  (sorry, couldn't help myself!)

Fact is, I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, or pissed off.  There have been two times in my adult life where I was so stressed out I couldn't eat - when the house burned down and right before and after my husband was arrested.  Then after the initial shock of those two events wore off, I was depressed and just ate and slept.  A lot of both, for months at a time. 

While there are many things that stick out in my mind as to why I'm an emotional eater, I'm going to address the earliest one that I remember.  In first grade, my parents put me on a diet.  The diet worked - parents of my friends noticed and always offered positive words of encouragement and always made sure they had healthy snacks for me when I was around.

My parents had to go away for a weekend and left us with our Auntie Barbara.  Well, I guess she didn't agree with the diet or she didn't want to "punish" me by making me eat healthy when everyone else was eating good Southern cooking.  Haha.  That lady can cook!  So the whole weekend I was allowed to eat whatever, whenever.

Upon the return of my 'rents, they were pissed that I had spent the weekend eating.  I totally remember the lecture I got when they got home and the shame I felt for not following the diet.  They gave up then too.  No more carefully portioned meals, no more encouragement.  They just gave up. 

Two things stick out the most in my mind about that weekend.  What did they really expect from a SEVEN year old?  I ate what I was given, and indulged because I was a little kid that had been on a diet forever.  (That's a long time to a seven year old.)  And, why did they give up on me?

That last question is the one that brings tears to my eyes.  Did they think I was just hopeless, destined to be fat? Why didn't they explain to me that I had to go back to eating right?  Its not like I could argue.....they are the ones that fixed the meals, etc.  Was it just too hard for them to cater to one kid when they had two other ones without weight problems?

One emotional episode down, 5 million more to go.  Its a whole cycle, you know.  In the morning I'm on a diet.  At some point in the day, I'm ashamed I can't stick to it so I eat.  Its such a wonderful life. 

I guess it's time to blog...it's been 6 months.

     So.....six months since the last blog.  (which has disappeared because, well, it just has.)  Lots of things have changed, and I couldn't be happier about the prospects 2011 brings.  All I can say is I can't survive another year like last year!
     The boy.  Hmmm.  All I heard for four months last year was how things were going to be better when he got home.  It was a struggle to adjust, forgive, and move on from all that I was put through.  What my child was put through.  I'm still struggling to forgive what she was put through.
     In December he finally got a really, really great job.  One of those once-in-a-lifetime-don't-screw-this-up type jobs.  A job that allows me to keep my house, my pets, my sanity, and my stay-at-home mom title if I so choose.  Thank you God.
     I finally graduated from school in December.  Because my last two classes were online, I was able to be depressed for three months and not have to leave the house.  Talk about exhausting.  Eating, sleeping, eating, and more sleeping, then more eating was wearing me out.  The couch became my favorite place.  I don't think I left it for more than a few hours at a time.
     Now that I don't have to think about calling my parents and asking for money, worrying about the two of us finding jobs, and fretting about having to give the dogs away, I have decided that my new job is going to be losing all the weight I put on while having the love affair with the couch.
     My first step was a meeting with the doctor about having gastric bypass surgery.  Still waiting to see if the insurance will cover it, but the diet starts monday because I know the bariatric surgeon will tell me I have to lose at least 20 lbs. to show him I'm committed to a healthier lifestyle.  I'm strangely excited about this possibility.
     I'm also over snow, ice, and cold.  The child was out of school for three weeks over Christmas, went back for three days, and then the storm hit.  Another 6 days home with me and I'm about ready to go insane.  She was much cuter when she didn't talk back.  Or quote comedians she shouldn't be watching.  Or watching weird Japanese cartoons that don't move their eyeballs.
     My feet are freezing, the dogs are snoring, and I'm thinking that pot of coffee at 11 p.m. wasn't such a good idea. 
     Goodnight.  :)

I need to write more, I promise I'm not always depressed.

Damn, I haven't written a blog since the beginning of the year?  Slacker.

Maybe I'll start writing more and with less subjects of depression.  However, that will not be tonight.  Tonight is dedicated to getting things off my mind.  Oh yay.

I deleted the dumb boy that's always on my mind.  Didn't tell him, just went ahead and did it.  Two months later I'm asked why.  So I let it all out (see another blog I wrote), and didn't hear from him for a month.  Just when I got over that and was getting over him, he writes back.  Long story, but he re-added me.  Stupid me accepted.

Now I stay up all hours of the night, waiting, obsessing..whatever.  I'm starting to realize how much happier I was when he wasn't there.  My mind goes to him all the time, or when I see his posts, or when Facebook KEEPS SUGGESTING I RECONNECT WITH HIM.  Stupid Facebook.
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The other boy is getting on my last freaking nerve.  He's changed so much in the last year and a half, it's so hurtful.  I mean, we didn't get along very well before, but at least it was tolerable.  There were more days when I recognized the person I fell in love with.  Now he's got this attitude that I should be grateful he's working.  Like I owe him big-time for working.  Seriously.

I can't stand living with someone like that.  He's turned into someone that is so bitter and miserable that I just want to run away when he is here.  There is no talking to him, he thinks he's right and no amount of common sense is going to convince him otherwise.

He'd rather focus all of his time and energy into the wrong things than putting half of that effort into looking for a new job.  He's got a badge for the nuclear power plant, for Christ's sake.  He can go get a job now with three or four different companies.  Sheesh.  He would just rather bitch and moan about his present employer and then bite my head off when I tell him to deal with it, you didn't want to look for a new job.

I want to run away.

There are 11 signs of Depression

I have 9 of them.  I took the quiz the other day sitting here.  Not having suicidal thoughts or feeling guilty about anything.  They say if you have one of the signs you should go see your doctor.  Oops.  Yeah, who's gonna pay for that?

I can't get medicaid or food stamps because I'm a student.  Seriously?  You'd rather I quit school so I can eat and go to the doctor?  No wonder this world is messed up.

Now my cat has gone missing.  Monday afternoon we were sitting here playing with Rascal, talking about he was almost 9 now, and with the life expectancy of 10 years.  (He has a heart murmur that gets a little worse each vet visit.)  I really thought I had a good year left of my boy.  I really didn't expect to not see him again after making that statement.

You know, I think whatever controls the Universe and my life really sucks.  You're sense of humor sucks ass.

I'm pissed.

My husband has been gone since 4:30 this afternoon.  No phone calls, no text messages, not answering his phone.  Normally, I'd be thankful he was out of my hair for this long.  Nope.....Now I'm just pissed.

I know where he's supposed to be, at his friend's house.  The problem with this is his friend has a 17-year old niece that my husband has made no effort to hide the fact he thinks she's hot.  I also know that this girl would have no problems hooking up with Sean.  Nor would his friend have a problem with keeping it from me.

I know I've said I've begged him to cheat, but seriously?  How about you cheat with a girl that actually has a place that I can send your shit to?

My biggest problem with this behavior is that it would never fly if I did the same thing.  If I were to visit a friend for almost 8 hours he'd have a conniption fit.  Especially if I was visiting a friend that lived with someone he felt threatened by.

So I left him a message an hour ago telling him he could fucking stay where ever he was, I'd nicely pack his shit and put it on the front porch.  Then I turned off my phone.  I'm just hoping that he doesn't get here before I finish washing his clothes that need to be packed.

Brooke is Switzerland

To my former friend of 29 years,

    Look, I don't know why you had a tree limb up your ass this weekend, but I think you need to seriously consider finding religion or something.  A good psychologist?  Psychotherapist?  Maybe just a good ass beating?

    There are always times in life where your friends fight with your other friends.  When you grow up with the same group of girls, that shit always happens.  It was often hard to remember who, what, when and why people were pissy with others.  I always had the opinion that you could be bitter enemies with my best friend, but we were still cool because you hadn't done anything to me.  Carry your asses over there if you want to give dirty looks.  Brooke is Switzerland.

    The last time I saw you was almost five years ago for the wedding.  We were like old best friends that weekend, I have pictures to prove it.  Nothing happened in the years that followed, we were friends on facebook and everything was good.  Then this weekend you showed up and so did the gigantic attitude.

    I hate that you had to go through all the drama you had to deal with. I really do hate that for you. I can't imagine how I would react if I had to deal with the emotions of thinking your whole childhood was a lie. It wasn't, which is why I think you need to see a professional.

   I'm sure you were shocked when my best friend got over whatever it was you two were fighting about.  I really don't care that she asked you to stay the night at her house.  In fact, I was more than happy to leave you guys there to hash things out.  I didn't need to be a part of that, and I didn't need to walk into her house at 2:30 am drunk as shit.  I made myself comfy somewhere else - where you weren't ever likely to show up.  :)

   But you made the fatal mistake of not covering your ass, Sweetheart.  If you are trying to come between two people that have been friends forever - and you had her fooled for a day, she admits - you sure as hell don't show your attitude towards the other person in front of the one you are trying to impress.  All it took was for me to say something to her about it, and she looked for any signs.  Boy, she got them, didn't she?  hahahaha.

    Most of my childhood memories include you.  Joint birthday parties for years.  Stomping in the mud puddles waiting for the kindergarten bus.  Drinking our asses off before our mother's co-chaired Sober Graduation party.  I still have the letters you sent when you were a page in the senate.  There's a picture of the three of us that sits in a frame on my dresser.  Your dad's chemistry demonstrations.  I could go on forever here.

    That's what pissed me off.  I know how you are.  I know you know, too.  Maybe that's why you tried your best to get rid of me this weekend?  Because you knew that I would see right through you? 

    I had 8 hours to think on the ride home.  I started thinking of patterns the times you and I weren't so close.  The first one came after Beau.  You got pissed he liked hanging out with me better, didn't you?  Was it because towards the end of your relationship he didn't want to do anything with just you?  Then when the whole Alan thing happened, I was there. Sure was.  Drove her ass to him.  I just didn't know you were in love with him.  I was doing that shit in spite of Jennifer.

    So I started thinking about what started it this time.  Are you mad that the two friends you successfully made hate each other for years are now talking because of me?  Because I have enough pull with the stubborn one to make her realize that people change and when we were young we all did dumb shit?  Yes, I'm positive you created most of that drama. The other thing I could think of was I weigh less than I did last time you saw me, and I'm in college.  But I hate to think that you are jealous of me.  That's really pathetic.

    All I know is that I realized something this weekend.  I thought I was annoying in high school - ok, so I was annoying.  But you know what?  Not just the people we went to school with, but old friends from back home in general, still want to hang out with me.  There's no drama.  Brooke is Switzerland.

   But you didn't have anyone to go to besides people you hadn't spoken to in 3 or more years.  You had the option of my "joey apartment" or a hotel.  I just sorta felt sorry for you so I let you stay and I went somewhere else.  And man was I looking forward to that bed.   What you did was dirty and you gots to go.   

   

I need to trust myself

More times than not, I cave into my husband.  Even when I have ideas of my own, I go with what he wants.  I don't know why I do this, other than I get tired of everyone doubting me so screw it, do it your way.

I'm right probably 90% of the time.  And I think I'm underestimating that number, too.  Its not because I think I know everything - quite the opposite.  No, I just imagine the worst possible outcome, and go with that.  Usually proves me right...lol.

This whole car thing is pissing me off royally.  I told Sean that we should have it towed to a shop because I thought the head gaskets were blown and the water pump is out.  No, he wanted to go talk to the mechanic instead, and tell him what I thought.  The mechanic said IF that was the problem, it would cost $2500 to rebuild the engine.  ugh.  At the mention of that, I wanted to talk to my friends step-dad, who is also a mechanic, to see if we could get an engine cheaper than that.  I left him a message but I didn't talk to him until tonight.

So we bought a cheap piece of crap for $1500.  With, of course, the expectations that it will get me back and forth to school until I'm done in the spring, and then when I got a job we could go about finding something more reliable.  This 96 Oldsmobile Ciera will do the trick. 

I'm also positive this car would not have been purchased if Sean's boss wasn't throwing hissy fits about Sean not having his own transportation.  See, you are tying our hands here - I can't fix the car until he works somewhat steadily, but you won't work him steadily UNTIL he has transportation.  I'm fucking trying here!

So when I finally talk to my friend's stepdad tonight and explain what I see is wrong with my car (where its leaking, turning the oil milky) and he tells me that he's changed hundreds of intake manifold gaskets on Chevy's and that's most likely what it is.  I tell him I think the water pump is bad, and he says "yep, that's what caused the intake manifold gasket to go bad, and that needs to be replaced too."  Wanna know how much he's gonna charge me to fix both?  $450.

Fuck.  I knew we should have held off on buying the car.  But Sean's boss called in a tizzy tuesday morning and was throwing another fit because Sean couldn't get there until I got out of school at noon.  So I just told him fuck it, you tell him you'll be there by two and I'll just go buy the damn car.  See what he's forced me to do?  Meaning my husband and his 'we-have-to-do-this-now-my-way' attitude.  Grrrrrrr.

All this means is that now I have to spend my grant money getting my car fixed, and hope I can sell the just-purchased vehicle for around 13-1400.  Also means no laptop this quarter.  GRRRRRRRR.  I was so looking forward to my laptop.  :(  (and I seriously have tears in my eyes typing that...I've overloaded myself with classes this quarter to get all of my grant money, and now I won't get my laptop reward.)

Because I didn't trust myself more and made the mistake of caving, once again.

Weight Watchers let me down :(

Before Tina and Weight Watchers:

Yup.  That's me at my most miserable.  My dad convinced me I should join Weight Watchers because he had been doing it and he'd lost 50 lbs.  So I tried it.  Went to Thomson bright and early one Saturday morning, and attended my first meeting.  I lost 3.2 lbs. the first week, and within the fist 6 months, had dropped over 50 lbs.  My highest total weight loss had been at 70 lbs. 

Then life happened, the boy lost his job for 9 months and I gained 15 lbs. of it back.  Oh well, I still went to the meetings and let Tina and the other women motivate me.  I had gotten back on track, with my last weigh-in losing 4 lbs.  :)  I was happy that Saturday.  Monday afternoon I get a call saying Tina had been let go as the group leader.  :(

I'll be honest with you, the last week and a half hasn't been easy.  Those 4 pounds (and probably more) have come back, and I need my Tina.  It's like someone broke up with me out of the blue.  Or my therapist got fired and we weren't finished fixing me.  I said a year ago when they were thinking of having a meeting here in town that I would go and support the new meeting, but I'd still weigh in Thomson with Tina.  She's my girl, and her motivation and accountability are what I need.

But the powers that be in Augusta decided she couldn't be leader anymore unless she committed to attending voluntary staff meetings on Sundays.  Look, the woman has a husband and three children.  They both work full time, and the only family day they have is on Sunday.  You just asked her to choose between her family and her members.  Come to find out, the woman replacing her is paid less than Tina.  Wonder if it's $800 less a month.  That's what they've lost so far (that I know of) in monthly memberships that were cancelled.  Cancelled because of the decision to fire Tina. 

This woman is the sweetest woman you could ever imagine - monday night people who never attended WW showed up to sign the petition to re-instate her, including the President of the School Board.  :)  Yay.  So many people are hoping that this works!  I know I personally would tell WW to kiss my ass if the same thing had happened to me, but Tina won't.  If they ask her back, she'll come back.  Helping her girls is more important than her pride.

When I cancelled my membership I told them that I needed and wanted to be there, but their actions have prevented that.  I don't want to give $40/month to a company that cares more about making money than making money in the process of helping people.  Bring Tina back, and I'll be the first one to call and start again.  She thanked me for supporting her during this.  I asked her what else I was supposed to do, she supported me for 2 1/2 years.  We are trying to get her to start her own weight-loss support group.  Because, even though I've come a long way, I'm not done yet.  And she's not done with me yet, either.  :)

Thanks, Tina.  You helped me get to this point, and I love you forever for that.  ♥

60 (or so) lbs. lighter.

Peace

I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep last night, and the subject of last night's blog was running through my mind.  Maybe I should give a little background first?

When I was 18, I started dating someone that I still to this day consider the love of my life.  Unfortunately for me, he didn't feel the same way.  Not that I'm mad at him or anything, I mean it's not his fault.  Sure it sucks, but its something that I have to deal with, not anyone else.

So it got serious, he moved away, I met my husband and moved away.  Then fate, karma, bad luck, whatever stepped in one night in 2004.  My brother, husband and I went to a bar in the burg for a few drinks, and I noticed a name plate on the wall.  Oh shit.  I ask my brother's friend who that was, and he pointed to the guy at the end of the bar.  :)  Great.  All those feelings that had hidden themselves (mostly) for almost 9 years came flooding back. 

And it's been that way ever since.  He's I guess what you call a friend, but not really.  I've hung out with him almost every time I've gone back home.....but this time is going to be different.  I'm going to break up with him.  lmfao.

When I go home in October, I'm going to make a point to talk to him, even if I have to hunt him down.  I want to tell him that I've been in love with him since I was 18, and I understand that he doesn't feel the same.  But I can't be friends with him.  I've tried for the last five years, and all it's gotten me is hurt.  Hurt when he had a girlfriend and avoided me the last time I was in town, instead of just being honest with me.  I take things the wrong way if they are intended for me or not - like the logging out if I'm online.  Quite simply, I just can't do it anymore.  I can't keep waiting for him to log on and talk to me, because I won't initiate the conversation.

You know what?  Once I decided that I'd have the little chat with him, I felt so at peace.  Seriously.  Not to sound corny, but I guess that's what Dr. Phil means when he says you'll know when it's ok to end a relationship because your decision will bring you peace.  And that's exactly what I think this is - the end of a relationship.  A bad one, but one none the less.

I should lobby for Randomness to be a word.

*yep.  One of those annoying ass blogs that you all love.  : P

* School is almost done for the quarter.  I took my Interpersonal Relations and Business Development exam on thursday.  I studied for six days, but her questions were so obscure and open to intrepretation that I'll be lucky if I got half of them right.  I need to accept the inevitable B for the course. 

* On a good note, though, if I get a 100 on my Math exam, I'll be the only person in Augusta Tech history to get a 100 for the Math 1012 course.  Pressure, anyone?

* I'm extremely jealous that everyone else is getting to meet Charne' and Rach.  Just Sayin'.

* Myspace was deleted because I got tired of the boy logging out every time I logged in.  It was giving me a complex.  So I did the stupid thing and posted a bulletin with the link to the FB profile.  The boy added me.  Now he logs out of FB every time I log in.  Shoulda just deleted the boy.

* Speaking of the boy, when will my heart realize what my head already knows?

* The other, more important boy is finally working full time.  I took him down there three weeks ago to make sure he still had a job...he did.  Made him explain that our unemployment ran out in three weeks and he needs to be working if he has a job.  Whew.  He's been to work every day for a week and two days.  I love it.

* This morning I was watching the news and saw the report of a truck driver that had been shot and killed at a truck stop not too far from where the boy works.  Told my mother this morning that I thought it sucked, it gave me yet another thing to worry about while he was out on the road.  Pick him up this afternoon and he comes to the truck with tears in his eyes, says "you know Billy's cousin Robert?"  Oh my god.  Robert Lee Stone, Jr.  The truck driver killed last night.  He worked with the boy, one of three drivers.  :(

* It hit way, way, way too close to home.  And then you think about how much we needed a break in life, and boy did we get one.  The job is pretty much secure now, but at the expense of someone's life.  Feeling a little guilty about my relief.

* My computer has a Trojan virus.  Thanks, Augusta Tech.  You'd better hope that come November 2 when I get my grant check the boy is still working.  I need a new computer.  I can no longer plug anything into the USB drives (except the ipods, because they are apple) and my computer freezes while I'm farming and playing with jewels.  hate, hate hate that.