Addicted to Food

I'm sitting here watching this new show on OWN, Addicted to Food.  This first episode deals with emotions and why people eat, don't eat, purge, or whatever.  Of course, this got me thinking about why I overeat and continue to do so.

Please don't get me wrong - I love my family (most of them....lol) and I was given every opportunity to do whatever I wanted growing up.  My parents did the best they knew how and I don't know where I'd be today without the support I had and continue to have.  But doesn't every person think their family is somewhat dysfunctional?

I have been overweight since I was 4 or 5.  I can remember my kindergarten boyfriend asking my neighbor "who the little fat girl is."  (I guess he liked it....funny how things change, now he's married to a beautiful hot chick!)  When you are little, things like emotions don't register like they do now.  I've often wondered why people have to own up to having emotional problems rather than just admitting they like food and like to eat it.  Simple, isn't it?  I'm fat because I love food.  Duh.  Winning!  (sorry, couldn't help myself!)

Fact is, I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, or pissed off.  There have been two times in my adult life where I was so stressed out I couldn't eat - when the house burned down and right before and after my husband was arrested.  Then after the initial shock of those two events wore off, I was depressed and just ate and slept.  A lot of both, for months at a time. 

While there are many things that stick out in my mind as to why I'm an emotional eater, I'm going to address the earliest one that I remember.  In first grade, my parents put me on a diet.  The diet worked - parents of my friends noticed and always offered positive words of encouragement and always made sure they had healthy snacks for me when I was around.

My parents had to go away for a weekend and left us with our Auntie Barbara.  Well, I guess she didn't agree with the diet or she didn't want to "punish" me by making me eat healthy when everyone else was eating good Southern cooking.  Haha.  That lady can cook!  So the whole weekend I was allowed to eat whatever, whenever.

Upon the return of my 'rents, they were pissed that I had spent the weekend eating.  I totally remember the lecture I got when they got home and the shame I felt for not following the diet.  They gave up then too.  No more carefully portioned meals, no more encouragement.  They just gave up. 

Two things stick out the most in my mind about that weekend.  What did they really expect from a SEVEN year old?  I ate what I was given, and indulged because I was a little kid that had been on a diet forever.  (That's a long time to a seven year old.)  And, why did they give up on me?

That last question is the one that brings tears to my eyes.  Did they think I was just hopeless, destined to be fat? Why didn't they explain to me that I had to go back to eating right?  Its not like I could argue.....they are the ones that fixed the meals, etc.  Was it just too hard for them to cater to one kid when they had two other ones without weight problems?

One emotional episode down, 5 million more to go.  Its a whole cycle, you know.  In the morning I'm on a diet.  At some point in the day, I'm ashamed I can't stick to it so I eat.  Its such a wonderful life. 

I guess it's time to blog...it's been 6 months.

     So.....six months since the last blog.  (which has disappeared because, well, it just has.)  Lots of things have changed, and I couldn't be happier about the prospects 2011 brings.  All I can say is I can't survive another year like last year!
     The boy.  Hmmm.  All I heard for four months last year was how things were going to be better when he got home.  It was a struggle to adjust, forgive, and move on from all that I was put through.  What my child was put through.  I'm still struggling to forgive what she was put through.
     In December he finally got a really, really great job.  One of those once-in-a-lifetime-don't-screw-this-up type jobs.  A job that allows me to keep my house, my pets, my sanity, and my stay-at-home mom title if I so choose.  Thank you God.
     I finally graduated from school in December.  Because my last two classes were online, I was able to be depressed for three months and not have to leave the house.  Talk about exhausting.  Eating, sleeping, eating, and more sleeping, then more eating was wearing me out.  The couch became my favorite place.  I don't think I left it for more than a few hours at a time.
     Now that I don't have to think about calling my parents and asking for money, worrying about the two of us finding jobs, and fretting about having to give the dogs away, I have decided that my new job is going to be losing all the weight I put on while having the love affair with the couch.
     My first step was a meeting with the doctor about having gastric bypass surgery.  Still waiting to see if the insurance will cover it, but the diet starts monday because I know the bariatric surgeon will tell me I have to lose at least 20 lbs. to show him I'm committed to a healthier lifestyle.  I'm strangely excited about this possibility.
     I'm also over snow, ice, and cold.  The child was out of school for three weeks over Christmas, went back for three days, and then the storm hit.  Another 6 days home with me and I'm about ready to go insane.  She was much cuter when she didn't talk back.  Or quote comedians she shouldn't be watching.  Or watching weird Japanese cartoons that don't move their eyeballs.
     My feet are freezing, the dogs are snoring, and I'm thinking that pot of coffee at 11 p.m. wasn't such a good idea. 
     Goodnight.  :)