Facebook is evil

Don't get me wrong, it's more of a love/hate relationship. I spend 90% of my internet time there. (Let's not comment on how sad that is, please.) I've re-connected with lots of old friends, made some new ones, gotten addicted to their stupid games and done lots of snooping. :)

I've added some interesting people from my past. Today we are talking about the old boyfriends. whoopee.

We'll start with the kindergarten boyfriend. After some prodding by my friends, I sent him a friend request that said "I think you are the boy I used to kiss on the back of the kindergarten bus?" Ha. Approved, with a message that said "yeah, we made out lots of times!"

Seriously, I may be too much of a girl, but the fact that I found the first boy I ever kissed is exciting to me. The fact that he is now a DEA agent is....well, let's just say we happened to take two very, very different paths. (and JEN! You didn't remind me he dated Busy.) When you are the fat kid in class, and the cutest boy asks your next door neighbor "who is the chubby blond girl?", well that sort of leaves an impression. Years down the road, after lots of teasing and heartbreak, it leaves an impression. Looking back on it now, he was the first I felt genuinely liked me.

Next is the middle school boyfriend. Sure, I haven't seen him since 7Th grade, but he seemed excited to get my friend request. My partner in crime during those years has already busted us for "being a little too chatty with each other". Whatever. He called me cool. :) I'm having fun flirting. Those middle school/high school years I was usually the last one picked in the girlfriend department. I got used to it eventually, but those two years that I was with him, I was his first choice. You know how it was in middle school - break up, try to make the girl jealous, get back together. Ahh, that was the life!

(this is going somewhere, I promise)

Last night, I was informed that the kindergarten boyfriend was going to be on Nightline, a story about the drug fight in Afghanistan. O.M.G. Not only did I see him three or four times, but they mentioned him by name, and I got to hear him talk. Tony Stewart almost got booted to second place in the obsession category. If I watch it again, I know Tony has no chance of ever reclaiming first place.

That segment only added to my funk. See, here are these two boys, that as an annoying fat kid, they liked me. That are now really responsible adults. (the other is a high school guidance counselor with a masters degree. and single. lol) I started comparing the two adults that have consumed my love life with the two from childhood. Boy, how did I fuck up so bad?

One doesn't want to support his family, the other is a 35 year old "I-want-to-be-a-professional-DJ-but-right-now-I-play-sweet-sixteen-parties". Bums I tell ya. Bums.

Depressing. Makes the think of "what if?" But then I get mad at myself because I know, deep down, the decisions that lead me on my path in life were made by me, not by the fates. Still. It's contributing to my funk and I don't like it.

Long Time

I know it's been a long time. And it's not that I haven't wanted to write lately - I actually have things to say, I just............

I don't know. I'm in sort of a funk that shouldn't be happening right now, but none the less is here and camping out for who knows how long.

The boy got a job. Actually, a job fell into his lap. I guess God does take care of fools. Right now the work is slow, but in a few weeks it will pick up to where it was before he was laid off. That makes it easier to deal with him still being here a lot. I know he has a job, but its slow. Better than not having one at all! The morning he got back into that truck I wanted to dance around the house naked.

I've never felt a weight lifted in an instant. Usually, things just gradually get better. Man, as soon as the drug test was over, I was stress free. I'm not even worrying about the other shoe. I want to bask in this feeling for a while. Nine months of the earth on my shoulders warrants a few weeks of not worrying.

School is going well, my lowest grade is a 95. Just have to get through the final exams and then three more quarters, hopefully. I'm trying to finish a quarter early.

Hopefully the funk will go away. Maybe when the boy is working steadily.