Peace

I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep last night, and the subject of last night's blog was running through my mind.  Maybe I should give a little background first?

When I was 18, I started dating someone that I still to this day consider the love of my life.  Unfortunately for me, he didn't feel the same way.  Not that I'm mad at him or anything, I mean it's not his fault.  Sure it sucks, but its something that I have to deal with, not anyone else.

So it got serious, he moved away, I met my husband and moved away.  Then fate, karma, bad luck, whatever stepped in one night in 2004.  My brother, husband and I went to a bar in the burg for a few drinks, and I noticed a name plate on the wall.  Oh shit.  I ask my brother's friend who that was, and he pointed to the guy at the end of the bar.  :)  Great.  All those feelings that had hidden themselves (mostly) for almost 9 years came flooding back. 

And it's been that way ever since.  He's I guess what you call a friend, but not really.  I've hung out with him almost every time I've gone back home.....but this time is going to be different.  I'm going to break up with him.  lmfao.

When I go home in October, I'm going to make a point to talk to him, even if I have to hunt him down.  I want to tell him that I've been in love with him since I was 18, and I understand that he doesn't feel the same.  But I can't be friends with him.  I've tried for the last five years, and all it's gotten me is hurt.  Hurt when he had a girlfriend and avoided me the last time I was in town, instead of just being honest with me.  I take things the wrong way if they are intended for me or not - like the logging out if I'm online.  Quite simply, I just can't do it anymore.  I can't keep waiting for him to log on and talk to me, because I won't initiate the conversation.

You know what?  Once I decided that I'd have the little chat with him, I felt so at peace.  Seriously.  Not to sound corny, but I guess that's what Dr. Phil means when he says you'll know when it's ok to end a relationship because your decision will bring you peace.  And that's exactly what I think this is - the end of a relationship.  A bad one, but one none the less.