Crazy Bitch

I don't quite know where this is going. I'm really tired. Exhausted, actually. My mind is racing, my heart feels like it wants to grow legs and run out of my chest. I should be asleep because I have a Weight Watchers meeting in the morning.

That makes me nervous, too. I've gained 10 lbs in the 7 months the ass has been refusing to work. One of the main reasons for going back to school. Other than the important one of realizing I can't count on my husband. I need to get out of the house and away from my refrigerator.

Tonight I caught the end of My Dog Skip. I shouldn't do that to myself since I own two Jack Russell's. It just made me sad, and then the tears came. Couldn't stop them. Not because of the movie. The last few weeks whenever I've wanted to cry my eyes burned. It physically hurt to cry. So I didn't. Let it all build up. Cried for an hour straight. *sighs* Feel a little better, but now I'm just angry. Imagine that. ;)

I don't like being this mean, bitchy person. Usually I'm laid back until you piss me off. It's hard to sit in this house with someone that you resent more and more each passing day. Just makes me think of greener pastures. Not like there are any, but I still think.

I'm not good at relationships. I'm the fatal attraction chick. Not really, but I'd like for someone to love me. Treat me well. They don't have to be rich - I'm not high maintenance. Well, maybe. I want attention and affection, appreciation and support. Does that make me impossible to please?

Or does that mean that the people in my past just didn't care enough? See, I think that if you truly love someone, those things I want shouldn't be a burden. It shouldn't make me a bitch because I have issues and I'm a little needier than most. My quirky issues should be the things that you love about me.

Don't get me wrong. When I think about past people that I've been involved with, there are one or two that I'm glad - now - that I wasn't a target for their love. Took me a loooong time to realize that, but I learned. Now I can't tell you how happy I am they didn't love me.

Then there are people that I think were stupid to let me go. I wonder to this day if people ever tell them they were dumb. That they let the best person for them get away. That they should have treated me better than they did. I doubt it. Boys never sit around discussing feelings and relationships, do they?